Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
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[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
This week’s mood.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.