I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
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37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?