You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
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I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.