Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
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What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.