The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
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She was rare, like a goth jogging
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.