A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
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[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”