Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
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My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Xylophonist Shredding It
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger