Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
#TopTip
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”