I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.