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I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I have a new favorite meme page
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.