The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Only a mother’s love …
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.