you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
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If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*