Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
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I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!