I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
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What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**