My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
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Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Not all heroes wear capes.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.