I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.