I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
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(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.