In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”