Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.