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America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT