The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
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I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
incredible book dedication
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’