Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
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I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Good morning
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*