“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
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My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
scares
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you