Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
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As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Super Hand Dog Face
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
The news
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”