If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
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[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
There is no try. There is only give up.
let’s discuss
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father