Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.