Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
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Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I came this close!!!!
You wish you had this many chins.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
socratic questions
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.