Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
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Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying