wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
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*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
That’s enough internet for the day
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free