when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”