I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
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*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
so weird how every mom was born today
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?