Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
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Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?