ok this is my dumbest yet
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Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really