When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
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Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.