I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
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It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way