[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
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I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.