If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
You Might Also Like
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
😆this is so true
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog