[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
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A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!