can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
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Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?