I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
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Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I’m giving up ice.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous