After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
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I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.