CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
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My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now