“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
You Might Also Like
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash