Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
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Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?