Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
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280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are