Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
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*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
How about daylight saves us for once
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”