hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
When you don’t understand how floors work
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.