Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
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me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.