Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
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AM I BEING GASLIT????
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”