[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
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Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
me 2 months after i graduated
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
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Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?